On wanting to do more
the other day i spoke to a friend who was entering the foray of activism for the first time. they suffer from chronic pain and are disabled so are unable to attend the vast majority of protests or actions without suffering. they are poor, unable to send money to people in palestine or different organisations. they must work to afford housing and food - and very often still aren’t able to do so. they aren’t doing well at work and are at risk of being fired - at risk of becoming homeless and starving. they live in amerika, where they cannot maintain physical community because of the car dominated design and incredible distances between friends. they told me they wanted to do more in the name of liberation but didn’t know how, and felt guilty for it.
when people have said similar things to me before, i have always said that you can ALWAYS find something to do to resist and eradicate false consciousness in a way that suits your needs. i still think this is true, and is helpful if you want to suggest reading groups or mutual aid or whatever. but it doesn’t really solve the problem of still wanting to do more.
i know this because i’ve done so much in the name of liberation - i’ve been made homeless, i’ve been arrested, i’ve been hit and mistreated, i’ve been made broke, i’ve rerouted my entire life, i’ve cried and cried and cried, i’ve pushed through physical pain and exhaustion. one day i will go to prison and every day still live to liberate as much as i can, just like countless have done before and countless of our comrades are now.
still i want to do more. still i want to give my every year and second of my life for liberation. still i want my every breath to breathe life into resistance against oppression everywhere.
so, when thinking about this, i told my friend that the feeling will never go away. that the revolutionaries we look up to probably felt the same way. we wish we were perfect - that we didn’t make mistakes, that we didn’t need to sleep, that we had as much money as we need. oh, if i had that time i spent sleeping back, and had as much money as i needed for any project i wanted to do, i would be unstoppable! but no - we get tired, we get depressed, we get sick. i say this and it easies my friend’s guilt, but i know i still want to do more.
it’s about more than guilt. it is a CRAVING for liberation, one so strong that it dominates my every decision. when you have seen the evils in the world, and glimpsed the beauty in what it could be, you want to make the world anew as soon as you can. i dream every night of a world of joy and love and justice - a liberated world. i wake up in the morning thinking about what i can do make that world. i want to see that world right now, i want to see our enslaved peoples in the Global South throw off the chains of their oppressors now, i want to see asylum seekers and prisoners escaping their cages now, i want to see the university of oxford and all its buildings made from slavery reduced to utter rubble now. i want to look out my window tonight and see that we are making the world anew together, and i want to know that it will be a better world than the one now. i want to do everything i can to get there, i want to give up everything i can to get there. i want to do more. i want to do more. i want to do more.